apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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