I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
