he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
