Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
it glows. i had to have it.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
