In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Randomize
