Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
