thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
