Three words: puerto rican gang bang
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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