pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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