smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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