you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you mean i was at the winter classic?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
