I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
