I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Randomize
