Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
