I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
