I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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