sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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