just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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