I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
