I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
