You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
