I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
