I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
