the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize