Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
