So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
