my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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