It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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