also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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