i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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