I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
