Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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