She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
