Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
