whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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