I showed him my bush... on skype.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
