I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
