News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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