I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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