i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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