a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize