so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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