I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
