Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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