Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
