she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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