Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
