Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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