The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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