I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
