I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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