I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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