I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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