Don't make out with my wife yet
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
