your parents love me but you hate me
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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