In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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