Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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